The levels and stages of commitment

It is natural to want commitment, if you want a love relationship.

This could mean anything from not wanting the person to see anyone else in the early stages of dating, to the possibility of marriage in the future.

Many people, when they first start dating, are eager to find out what the person’s attitude to this is most likely, because they don’t want to ‘waste time’ with someone who isn’t interested in it.

Signs of Flirting

Before you read on, ask yourself: “What does commitment mean to me?”

However, according to Barbara de Angelis, author of “Are you the One For Me” and “The Real Rules”, commitment has different levels.

Because there are stages and levels of commitment, even if you do like each other and want a love relationship dating at this early stage might be too soon to ask this question.

Why not? Because you don’t know the person well enough, and they don’t know you, so how could either of you know what your attitude might be to commitment, until you get to know and like each other even more. Great love advice!

Recently, a client, ‘Stuart’ – a single man in his mid forties who had never been married, met someone after attending the workshop “How to Attract your Ideal Partner”.

WORKSHOP DATES

He might have been labelled as someone who had a fear of commitment or who wasn’t interested in it. However, when he met this new lady there was something different and special about her, and the new awareness and insights he had gained on the workshop, made him clearer about what he was looking for. So even though had never ‘committed’ himself to anyone before, it wasn’t written in stone.

Labels like that can put a barrier between the two of you too early. It might serve you better to find out over time – and before you open your hearts too quickly - what the person is like, what’s happened in past relationships, what they have learnt from them, and whether there have been past difficult or bad experiences that are getting in their way of letting love in once more, rather than discussing ‘commitment’ as such, at this early stage.

According to Barbara de Angelis, these are the stages or levels.

LEVEL 1:

At this stage, spending some time getting to know a new partner, figuring out what you like about them and whether you want to keep seeing the person, is more important than finding out whether they are ‘looking for commitment’ or putting them in a box of having a phobia about it.

As with ‘Stuart’ above, even though he hadn’t married, his relationships hadn’t worked out for various reasons but that didn’t mean he had a problem with it.

The difficulty in discussing it at this early stage is because many people equate it with marriage, and most people aren’t ready for considering something like that when you are just getting to know someone.

However, at some point within weeks and certainly by a few months, you will need some kind of commitment that you both want to be sexually and emotionally monogamous and want to go forward with your relationship.

LEVEL 2:

Once you and your partner are monogamously dating and make it to 3 – 4 months, you relationship will probably become “serious”. You consider yourself “in love” – you’re officially a couple.

At this stage of a relationship, you become more emotionally involved and therefore you want to be sure you’re making the right decision before making yourself even more vulnerable. You should spend your time deepening your knowledge of one another and testing your compatibility.

When you feel:

• Your relationship is getting better and better
• You are sharing most aspects of your time and life together
• You are starting to think as “we”

At this stage you will feel that your relationship is special and worth nurturing and that it has the potential to be a lasting partnership.

It is at this stage that you will be deepening your relationship, feeling relaxed enough to show all or more aspects of who you are, by being honestly communicating feelings, looking at your own blocks to intimacy, and learning to understand one another in order to create that potential lasting partnership.

It is important at this stage, not to make assumptions about commitment meaning marriage. Some people assume that their partner does see a possible future with them because they are saying ‘I love you’ and spending lots of time with you. Unless you actually talk about your assumptions, you could, one day months later, have your heart broken when you bring up marriage or something comparable, and they respond by saying “I never said we would have a future together. I don’t love you that way.”

So get clear at this 4 – 6 months stage of a developing relationship what the situation is. De Angelis goes so far as to say “Don’t stay in a developing relationship for more than 4 – 6 months without being really clear about whether you are both at the same stage of commitment.

WORKSHOP DATES

Level 3:

Once you’ve agreed to work on creating a partnership together, you could spend anywhere from 6 months to several years building that partnership, depending on how old you both are and the circumstances surrounding your relationship. (The younger you are the more time you should spend before agreeing to Level 3 – see more in “The Real Rules pg 147 - B.de Angelis)

You are ready to make a Level 3 commitment when:

• you have created a strong and healthy partnership that is functioning well almost all of the time
• you feel sure that you want to spend your future together, if not the rest of your life
• you have no desire to investigate anyone else as a possible partner
• you feel totally loved and appreciated by your partner almost all of the time

Agreements you should make with one another when you enter this level are that:

• you want to spend your future together
• you formalise this by either be becoming engaged to be married or planning on becoming engaged as soon as you can
• deciding to live together
• to continue working on yourselves and the relationship in order to eliminate any remaining doubts or obstacles to a successful lifetime together.

Level 4:

This is what most of us think when we use the word “ commitment” – marriage. You are ready for this level when:

• you’ve been at Level 3 for some time and have worked through whatever circumstantial obstacles or emotional issues were in your way.
• You have total trust and faith in your relationship and its ability to continue to grow as well as survive whatever adversity it faces
• You feel excited about exploring deeper levels of love, intimacy and surrender with your partner
• You are sure that you and your partner have enough compatibility to be “right” for each other

For most people, a Level 4 Commitment is expressed by becoming legally married or in some other private way.